Twelve weeks.

So, what I’m dying to do is spill every minute of my new pregnancy on this blog. But, what I’m terrified of doing is spilling every minute of my new pregnancy on this blog, and then losing that pregnancy again. 

This is my real-time, happy medium solution: an abridged journal of our first trimester.

January 14, 2014
Matt and I went out to dinner tonight and decided to take a pregnancy test tomorrow. This will be the third round of tests since we started trying again. My goal is to have a realistic reaction. I feel like I won’t sleep well tonight.

January 15, 2014
Positive. It was positive. FJDKLAFJDKSALFJWIEOJE holy shit it was positive. I knew it. I could feel it. I slept like total crap, but I had two dreams with positive tests. Kissed Matt a million times in the kitchen before we both had to leave for work.

January 18, 2014
We went to a party with my college lady friends tonight. I tried to fly under the radar with my Not Drinking, but I know it didn’t go unnoticed. Passing up tequila on a Saturday night? Who IS this person? Fortunately, I didn’t feel conspicuous at all. I know that my girlfriends are happily hopeful for us to get pregnant again, and I know they’ll happily wait until we give them the official news. Nothing but good vibes in the room.

January 20, 2014
I cried in the car on the way to work today. I’m feeling really scared. What if I am one of those women who can’t ever have a baby? What if I can get pregnant but can’t carry to term? It’s hard to concentrate at work when all I can think is what if after what if after what if.

January 22, 2014
Today at the gym, I noticed that I’m in a real sweet spot, body-wise. My stomach is still flat, but my chest (though feeling bruised) is really filling out nicely, which put a vain little spring in my treadmill-step. (You might think I’m kidding, but I really can be that shallow.) Also, I’m pretty sure most of our friends now suspect that we are pregnant. We met up with a group to watch the Badger-Gopher basketball game tonight, and my flimsy excuse of not drinking on school nights held even less water because school had, in fact, already been canceled the next day. I can tell they know by the way nobody asks me about it. I’m feeling generally more positive.

January 24th, 2014
Matt and I were together with all four of our parents this weekend to celebrate my mom’s birthday, so we dropped the news on them. They were (are) pretty pumped and very respectful of our caution. I love our parents. My relationships with my grandparents are some of my most special, and I can’t wait for our baby to meet her or his grandparents. What a lucky kid.

February 2nd, 2014
Morning sickness (or in my case, All Freaking Day Sickness) forced me to drop out of a ski race today that I’d been looking forward to for weeks and weeks. I’ve only rarely signed up for a race that I didn’t do (seriously, like twice) and I have never, ever started a race and then dropped out. I have always been able to muscle through physical stuff.

-Case in Point #1: In 2006, I finished my first (and last) triathlon, even though the water rescue crew was so worried about my poor performance that they literally followed me to shore in their little boat, using their bullhorns to shout directions and to ask if I was still alive.
-Cases in Point #2-4: I’ve run three marathons. They were hard.
-Case in Point #5: I follow a weird code of ethics which states: If you pay money for something, then you effing do it.

So, it felt really, really crappy to drop out today. Comforting myself with thoughts of our thriving little fetus. One of us has to be feeling well!

February 4th, 2014
Today we had our first ultrasound. And there is a heartbeat. Thank you, Universe and Divinity and All That Is Good, there is a heartbeat. Strong and regular. Perfect. I cried a bunch, and then we went out for Mexican food because I was starving.

February 10th, 2014
I am feeling very sick and very tired. Physically, this pregnancy is demanding. I feel like I’m hungover all the time. My stomach feels like it’s in my throat, and I spend quite a lot of time dry heaving or actually throwing up. Ugh. At the recommendation of one of my mom’s work friends, I’ve started wearing acupressure Sea Bands to help with the nausea. I think they work.

February 20th, 2014
I know I need to slow down, but it is so hard to slow down, especially because I rate myself as a fairly energetic person. In a typical week: I work every day, plus two nights; I volunteer; and I work out five or six times. I make dinner, do laundry, write emails, read books, save the planet, and much more. I do it all!

Or, I did it all. For the last three or four weeks, my nausea and exhaustion have taken over. I’m still feeling hungover most of the day, almost every day. The nurses I’ve talked to and the (obviously reputable) online blogs I’ve consulted have all assured me that this is a great sign! It’s reassuring! I do buy that, but feeling sick all the time is so damn distracting, and our fridge is full of a wide and weird assortment of food because nothing sounds good to me two days in row. I feel grateful for my previous decades of excellent health, and also kind of pissed that I actually, really, truly have to change my level of activity. Seriously, if I do too much- and I’m still figuring out what “too much” is- I end up throwing up and sleeping for 16 basically consecutive hours. That ish is bananas.

Buuuut I’m trying to be a grown-up about it. I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity to embrace my latent lazy side. And when I remember that our little fetus has grown to the size of an olive this week, I feel pretty good.

February 26th, 2014
Second ultrasound today. Matt’s in Brazil for work, so Deb O came with me (thanks, MIL!). The grainy footage showed us, amazingly, our baby’s tiny limbs and strong heartbeat. And we saw it move. It was moving. Ten weeks old, the size of a lima bean, and moving around. I am in love.

March 10th-12th, 2014
Since our affirming second ultrasound, we’ve shared the news with more friends, to a fantastic outpouring of love. And now, the news is out at work. Relief! Everyone suddenly understands why I have three different kinds of crackers stashed in my desk.

The absolute best part about the sharing the news at work was telling my students, who applauded. (!!!!) A student from Lebanon told me with confidence that I’m having a boy, and one of my Moroccan students told me that if I indulge in a food craving, I should be sure not to scratch anywhere before I do, because wherever I scratch, I’ll be certain to leave a birthmark on the baby. All of the women gave me hugs and little cheek-kisses before leaving class. I am beyond happy that they know. My students have such generous hearts, and their positive energy is so uplifting.

March 14th, 2014
We posted our baby news on Facebook today, which was part nerve-wracking, part awesome. This week’s announcements don’t make anything feel more real, but I do love being able to identify as Expectant Mother in every part of my life. Now, when someone asks me what’s new, I can finally share the answer I’ve been swallowing for twelve weeks. Which is, of course: “EVERYTHING!!!!!”

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